Once Upon a Time....

...I had a picture perfect life.  A life I had dreamed of all my days in my childhood.  All the days of my young adult life and of my not so young life.

A marriage I loved, a house I made into an amazing comfortable home, and one and then two children.

Once upon a long ago.

And I miss it more than I can say.

It was snatched away in the blink of an eye, in the beat of a heart, with just two innocent sounding words if they were said in their own but together?  Together it shattered everything.

Since then it seems I have made one wrong move after the other after the other after the other.

I'm not sure I will ever get it right.

Is it karma?  What is it?  What did I do to go from the family and life I always dreamed of to........well.....this.

Getting Ready to Say Goodbye

I wrote this in response to a moms post on Facebook about her daughter renting an apartment and probably not coming home next summer.  The thought of my children getting older and moving closer and closer to their moving away time makes me so sad.  I'm not looking forward to it at all and yet...ready or not, each day brings us one step closer.

This is what I wrote:

It is oh so hard to know this is quickly approaching and soon, I will be the mom standing on the edge as my baby bird takes his wobbly steps into life without me.  My heart hurts in anticipation and I already fear I won't be able to do it with grace and a brave face and heart.

The hardest part is that we have raised them from teeny tiny helpless infants to the truly amazing young adults we see standing in front of us.  We made it through the tough years when they yearned for freedom from us and some days we would have happily dropped them off somewhere.... anywhere... because we couldn't take another minute of their teenage angst.  However...some where along the line they grew and changed and became these people that we enjoyed being around, hanging out with.  We couldn't believe our good fortune!  The surly teens they were suddenly changed into people we wanted to be around, wanted to spend time with...only.....it was time to say goodbye.

That never felt fair to me.  After all the hard work of raising them.  All the blood, sweat and tears we shed for them.  The days we worried with them, and for them over tests, grades, driving, and friends.  Somehow, in the blink of an eye, it turn into goodbye hugs that you never want to end, phone calls you never want to hang up from, counting down the days until we can see their beautiful faces.  We gave everything we had in us so we could raise people who will move into the world and make it theirs.  They are ready to fly but...but..but.....they are people we finally want to just sit and talk with, dream of the future with, and hang out with.  Except....it's time to let them go.  It's their turn to take to the skies and soar higher than we ever dreamed possible.

We did that!  We DID that!!  We created a human being.  We did our best and raised them as best we could.

All that's left now is to watch their new lives unfold, knowing we gave them the best we had to give them.  And we pray it's enough.

Question

Is it possible to die of a broken heart?  It's not a person I'm talking about.  It's more that life itself has broken my heart.  Broken my will.  Broken my fight.  Broken my ability to face one more thing.  I am not strong.  I cannot face one more negative thing.

Life.

Life has broken my heart.

The only thing left is to see if I die from it.

One Weekend

It happened one weekend

Out of the blue

With no pomp with no  circumstance

It happened without a word

Just a quiet rustle

A rabbit running by

It happened without much sound at all

It happened without even a drop of rain

It just...happened.

And no one noticed

It happened so quickly

And so quietly

That no one really noticed

It took me two days to notice

I'm not sure if anyone else has noticed

For I am not anyone else

I am only me

It came in whispers that no one heard

It came on the feet of birds

The soft paws of stray cats

Of the mice that keep the stray cats coming back

It came

And no one noticed

The grass is standing tall again

The ferns look brand new

The ivy vines have creeped and crawled

But still

No one noticed

It's spring time

The calendar says it has been for weeks

But no one noticed

It was still chilly

It was still wet

But it came

Unnoticed 

But it came

Spring is here

The grass is growing lush and full and tall

The ivy is covering more of the world

The leaves of the trees have become thick

So thick that when I look out my window

I can no longer see the houses around me

All winter long

Those houses have kept me company

Houses standing by

I don't know who lives in them

Or how they live

What they saw then

Or what they see now

Did they notice that I never closed my window blinds

I like the morning light to wake me

Did they notice what time I turned out the lights at days end

Did they wonder who lived here

And what we did for fun on a Saturday night

It doesn't matter now

The leaves are thick

The grass is tall

The houses are hidden from view

There is a certain silence in the air

I no longer hear the children across the field and up the hill

Their voices, their laughter muffled by the tall and full green

The light in the house is different

It's softer

It's a bit darker

It's a bit more isolating

It came so quietly and no one noticed

It came with all its wonder and glory

Spring is here

It should be a happy time

Everything seems new

Flowers bloom

Trees have born new leaves

It should feel full of possibilities

Why then does it feel like

A ticking clock

With an alarm set

That I know will jar me from newness

An alarm that is waiting

Waiting to go off

Telling me it's time to go

Laying Down

How can it be that SO many of us feel alone, scared, tired, hurting, worried, lonely, exhausted, and at the end of being able to hold on and yet, we don't or can't see each other?  What could we do for each other if we could see each other?

Everywhere I look people are happy, laughing, smiling, going home to houses they get to call home and to people who love them and are waiting for them.  Who rallies around them and holds them close.

Every house I pass, I wonder about the stories of the people living there.  They must feel safe, knowing they have a home.  Knowing that in the months and years to come, they will still have that roof over their heads.  They have worries, everyone does...but they don't worry about the very basics of survival.

I dropped my daughter's overnight bag at her friends home earlier.  The house.  It's huge and it's beautiful.  Everything I ever dreamed of.  I got back in my car, as tears filled my eyes.  I want that safety.  I need that safety.  I need to have that safety for my children, who didn't do anything wrong to deserve me as their mother.  Their mother who seems destined to struggle for the most basic of basics.

My therapist says this will pass.  I can't believe her.  Not this time.  I've believed that before and yet, time after time, I'm back in this place.  This scary and dark place.

Knowing the three of us are safe within four solid walls.  That would mean everything. If I knew we were safe, I'd feel safe to take risks.  As ironic as that sounds,  As a single mom, I can't afford to take the risks hoping it will bring safety.  When lives are on the line, that luxury doesn't exist.

I'm going to lay my head down now.  On the grass.  I can't fight anymore.  I don't have it in me to fight anymore.

I'm just going to lay....... right ......here.

Friday

I was up early, before my already earlier than normal alarm was set.  I am going to work earlier than usual (and because of half days, I was already going in 30 minutes before normal) because my sweet coworker and friend, Tina, had to have emergency surgery in a finger she had broken.  I hope she is feeling better today.  (You are very missed, my friend.  Feel better soon.)

The house is so quiet.  I usually have my mini me chatting my ear off in the morning but she stayed with Dakota last night so they can head to the Oregon Zoo today to experience taking care and feeding the giraffes.  It was a gift she received for her birthday and she is very excited.  (She had wanted to go in the day she could have cared for the sloths but it conflicted with a project due date and she refused to miss school.   It has been a very long time since I have been the only one awake on a school/work day.  Kelton is still snoozing as he decided to take the bus and sleep longer (smart boy!).

The fog is thick outside my window.  I can hear the birds singing their morning song, an occasional vehicle pass by in the road.  The tick tick of the clock is loud, which is odd as normally it just becomes part of the sounds of a home in action.  Even the cats are still sleeping.  Everything around me is so peaceful.

I'm drinking my second cup of coffee and wondering what the day will hold.

My body is sore and angry at me for making it do six hours of work in four hours.  But a mom does what she has to do to make sure her baby chicks are safe and taken care of.

Speaking of baby chicks, they will be with me every day for the next three weeks while D goes out of town.  I will have them over Easter for the first time in at least five years.  Back then, the Easter Bunny was alive and well, this time they both want to hide the eggs but neither wants to search for them.  Time, as it is known to do, keeps moving forward, changing everything in its path.

These are the moments when it hurts to be a single parent.  Back when D and I were together, we made each other Easter baskets of fun.  I haven't had an Easter basket since 2009.  I confess, I enjoy knowing I am thought about and valued and some times that means a happy basket filled with fun goodies and a chocolate bunny on top.  Or tulips delivered to my door.

I really need to start blogging again.  Somewhere besides here to ramble away.  So many words, all trying to find a way to be expressed.

I'm really glad it's Friday.  Happier still that next week is spring break (not so happy about "no work, no pay" but still...a week off feels indulgent.  I will happily take it.).

It's Good Friday (for those, like me, who believe, otherwise it's just Friday) and I wish you all a peaceful day.

The Second Post

You know what is odd?  I don't remember starting this blog last week.  I don't remember posting a post, though it definitely *sounds* like my writing.  The other thing?  It was posted in the middle of the night; on a work night.  It makes no sense.

"Trudy's mom" commented and it showed up in my mailbox.  I clicked on the blog associated with the comment and it took me here.  And the mystery began.  I've changed my passwords to everything so it had to have been me, right?  Right??

I'm kind of feeling a bit crazy and a little like there is some gas lighting going on.  But how?  And how does that post sound like my writing?  Did I do it in my sleep?  I highly doubt it.  So I need to change my passwords for everything again?  (Please say no.  I don't even have them all memorized yet.)

I'm just soooo confused.

Though I will say, the name of the blog is a good one.  So kudos to me if I did it.  :). If I didn't do it, who did?

Did I leave my Google account open on a computer somewhere?

Talk about feeling crazy.  

This feels like a big game of real life Clue.

I was just troubleshooting with the kids.  They say it is my writing style and they agreed amongst themselves that I have been under an enormous amount of stress since we moved.  They both think it is totally plausible that I did it and just don't remember.  They say my memory has been "off" for a while now.  I don't take comfort in that at all.....but whatever.

So I have a new blog to write on.  This ought to be interesting.

Starting Over: Take Two.  Indeed.  I was talking with one of my friends/coworker the other day about how tired I am of starting over.  I can count the number of times I have had to start over by how many times I have had to buy new baking sheets.  It's a sad and pathetic way to keep count but it's reliable.  It seems I have always left my baking sheets behind.  So...once again, I have new baking sheets.  Only this time, I also have new pots and pans, new measuring cups, new wooden spoons, new spatulas, new...almost everything for the kitchen.  It makes me more sad that I can say to see so many new things (mostly from The Dollar Tree or WalMart) because it means I left part of my life behind somewhere and I am starting over.  Again.

How many times will it come to this?  How many more times will it be?  Honestly, I am tired of starting over.  I thought I had "forever"....like *really* forever...twice.  Yet two times, "forever" failed me.  Or maybe I failed it.  I don't really know.  All I know is I'm so very tired of starting over.

I turn 53 in a few weeks.  I thought I'd have this part of my life sorted out by now.  Turns out, not so much.  It's not like my birthdays have been anything that has really been celebrated since Dakota ended our relationship in 2009.  My 45th birthday.  Yep...that one sucked.  And the ones since then haven't been all that great.  Definitely not something "special".  Last year Stephanie gave me a ying and yang necklace.  I kept one and she took the other.  I have to say, in all our years together, it was the only truly romantic gift she had ever given me.  Overall through the years, my birthday felt like an after thought.  I had to get or make my own cupcakes, buy my own ice cream, and remind the kids that it would be nice if they did something that said they thought about me.  Homemade was great but reminding them wasn't.  Reminding the, should have been the job of the person who I shared my life with.  I would ask nothing more than what I would do for her.  I don't know.  I just wanted to know I was thought about and that I wasn't an after thought.  It didn't seem like a lot to ask for, to be thought of and shown I was important, to feel like my birthday was important.

And now that I'm sad, I'm going to hit publish on this,  I wonder how long it will take for others to find this blog.  Trudy's mom found it (how did you find it, Trudy's mom?  And how long have y'all been reading my blog?) so maybe others will as well.