Question

Is it possible to die of a broken heart?  It's not a person I'm talking about.  It's more that life itself has broken my heart.  Broken my will.  Broken my fight.  Broken my ability to face one more thing.  I am not strong.  I cannot face one more negative thing.

Life.

Life has broken my heart.

The only thing left is to see if I die from it.

One Weekend

It happened one weekend

Out of the blue

With no pomp with no  circumstance

It happened without a word

Just a quiet rustle

A rabbit running by

It happened without much sound at all

It happened without even a drop of rain

It just...happened.

And no one noticed

It happened so quickly

And so quietly

That no one really noticed

It took me two days to notice

I'm not sure if anyone else has noticed

For I am not anyone else

I am only me

It came in whispers that no one heard

It came on the feet of birds

The soft paws of stray cats

Of the mice that keep the stray cats coming back

It came

And no one noticed

The grass is standing tall again

The ferns look brand new

The ivy vines have creeped and crawled

But still

No one noticed

It's spring time

The calendar says it has been for weeks

But no one noticed

It was still chilly

It was still wet

But it came

Unnoticed 

But it came

Spring is here

The grass is growing lush and full and tall

The ivy is covering more of the world

The leaves of the trees have become thick

So thick that when I look out my window

I can no longer see the houses around me

All winter long

Those houses have kept me company

Houses standing by

I don't know who lives in them

Or how they live

What they saw then

Or what they see now

Did they notice that I never closed my window blinds

I like the morning light to wake me

Did they notice what time I turned out the lights at days end

Did they wonder who lived here

And what we did for fun on a Saturday night

It doesn't matter now

The leaves are thick

The grass is tall

The houses are hidden from view

There is a certain silence in the air

I no longer hear the children across the field and up the hill

Their voices, their laughter muffled by the tall and full green

The light in the house is different

It's softer

It's a bit darker

It's a bit more isolating

It came so quietly and no one noticed

It came with all its wonder and glory

Spring is here

It should be a happy time

Everything seems new

Flowers bloom

Trees have born new leaves

It should feel full of possibilities

Why then does it feel like

A ticking clock

With an alarm set

That I know will jar me from newness

An alarm that is waiting

Waiting to go off

Telling me it's time to go

Laying Down

How can it be that SO many of us feel alone, scared, tired, hurting, worried, lonely, exhausted, and at the end of being able to hold on and yet, we don't or can't see each other?  What could we do for each other if we could see each other?

Everywhere I look people are happy, laughing, smiling, going home to houses they get to call home and to people who love them and are waiting for them.  Who rallies around them and holds them close.

Every house I pass, I wonder about the stories of the people living there.  They must feel safe, knowing they have a home.  Knowing that in the months and years to come, they will still have that roof over their heads.  They have worries, everyone does...but they don't worry about the very basics of survival.

I dropped my daughter's overnight bag at her friends home earlier.  The house.  It's huge and it's beautiful.  Everything I ever dreamed of.  I got back in my car, as tears filled my eyes.  I want that safety.  I need that safety.  I need to have that safety for my children, who didn't do anything wrong to deserve me as their mother.  Their mother who seems destined to struggle for the most basic of basics.

My therapist says this will pass.  I can't believe her.  Not this time.  I've believed that before and yet, time after time, I'm back in this place.  This scary and dark place.

Knowing the three of us are safe within four solid walls.  That would mean everything. If I knew we were safe, I'd feel safe to take risks.  As ironic as that sounds,  As a single mom, I can't afford to take the risks hoping it will bring safety.  When lives are on the line, that luxury doesn't exist.

I'm going to lay my head down now.  On the grass.  I can't fight anymore.  I don't have it in me to fight anymore.

I'm just going to lay....... right ......here.