How can it be that SO many of us feel alone, scared, tired, hurting, worried, lonely, exhausted, and at the end of being able to hold on and yet, we don't or can't see each other? What could we do for each other if we could see each other?
Everywhere I look people are happy, laughing, smiling, going home to houses they get to call home and to people who love them and are waiting for them. Who rallies around them and holds them close.
Every house I pass, I wonder about the stories of the people living there. They must feel safe, knowing they have a home. Knowing that in the months and years to come, they will still have that roof over their heads. They have worries, everyone does...but they don't worry about the very basics of survival.
I dropped my daughter's overnight bag at her friends home earlier. The house. It's huge and it's beautiful. Everything I ever dreamed of. I got back in my car, as tears filled my eyes. I want that safety. I need that safety. I need to have that safety for my children, who didn't do anything wrong to deserve me as their mother. Their mother who seems destined to struggle for the most basic of basics.
My therapist says this will pass. I can't believe her. Not this time. I've believed that before and yet, time after time, I'm back in this place. This scary and dark place.
Knowing the three of us are safe within four solid walls. That would mean everything. If I knew we were safe, I'd feel safe to take risks. As ironic as that sounds, As a single mom, I can't afford to take the risks hoping it will bring safety. When lives are on the line, that luxury doesn't exist.
I'm going to lay my head down now. On the grass. I can't fight anymore. I don't have it in me to fight anymore.
I'm just going to lay....... right ......here.
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