"Trudy's mom" commented and it showed up in my mailbox. I clicked on the blog associated with the comment and it took me here. And the mystery began. I've changed my passwords to everything so it had to have been me, right? Right??
I'm kind of feeling a bit crazy and a little like there is some gas lighting going on. But how? And how does that post sound like my writing? Did I do it in my sleep? I highly doubt it. So I need to change my passwords for everything again? (Please say no. I don't even have them all memorized yet.)
I'm just soooo confused.
Though I will say, the name of the blog is a good one. So kudos to me if I did it. :). If I didn't do it, who did?
Did I leave my Google account open on a computer somewhere?
Talk about feeling crazy.
This feels like a big game of real life Clue.
I was just troubleshooting with the kids. They say it is my writing style and they agreed amongst themselves that I have been under an enormous amount of stress since we moved. They both think it is totally plausible that I did it and just don't remember. They say my memory has been "off" for a while now. I don't take comfort in that at all.....but whatever.
So I have a new blog to write on. This ought to be interesting.
Starting Over: Take Two. Indeed. I was talking with one of my friends/coworker the other day about how tired I am of starting over. I can count the number of times I have had to start over by how many times I have had to buy new baking sheets. It's a sad and pathetic way to keep count but it's reliable. It seems I have always left my baking sheets behind. So...once again, I have new baking sheets. Only this time, I also have new pots and pans, new measuring cups, new wooden spoons, new spatulas, new...almost everything for the kitchen. It makes me more sad that I can say to see so many new things (mostly from The Dollar Tree or WalMart) because it means I left part of my life behind somewhere and I am starting over. Again.
How many times will it come to this? How many more times will it be? Honestly, I am tired of starting over. I thought I had "forever"....like *really* forever...twice. Yet two times, "forever" failed me. Or maybe I failed it. I don't really know. All I know is I'm so very tired of starting over.
I turn 53 in a few weeks. I thought I'd have this part of my life sorted out by now. Turns out, not so much. It's not like my birthdays have been anything that has really been celebrated since Dakota ended our relationship in 2009. My 45th birthday. Yep...that one sucked. And the ones since then haven't been all that great. Definitely not something "special". Last year Stephanie gave me a ying and yang necklace. I kept one and she took the other. I have to say, in all our years together, it was the only truly romantic gift she had ever given me. Overall through the years, my birthday felt like an after thought. I had to get or make my own cupcakes, buy my own ice cream, and remind the kids that it would be nice if they did something that said they thought about me. Homemade was great but reminding them wasn't. Reminding the, should have been the job of the person who I shared my life with. I would ask nothing more than what I would do for her. I don't know. I just wanted to know I was thought about and that I wasn't an after thought. It didn't seem like a lot to ask for, to be thought of and shown I was important, to feel like my birthday was important.
And now that I'm sad, I'm going to hit publish on this, I wonder how long it will take for others to find this blog. Trudy's mom found it (how did you find it, Trudy's mom? And how long have y'all been reading my blog?) so maybe others will as well.
Hey! Writing a blog in my sleep sounds like something I would do, but I'm not smart enough to handle the techie end of a blog, lol! I found this blog in a round-about way: I used to follow your old blog, and for last year or so, had checked every month or two, but when you hadn't written anything in a while, I went to your "my profile" and it listed all your other blogs, so I clicked on those. And voila! I saw a current post under this blog. Even though I don't often comment on blogs I read, I always feel as if I come to know the writer, and I feel "invested" in his/her life. So when someone doesn't post in a while, I hope that everything is okay. Life happens, I know, but it always feels like I've lost a friend when a blogger just disappears. Love hearing how you are and hope that this life change will be better for you. Just remember: You are a strong person. Being alone doesn't always mean being lonely. It's sometimes easier to be lonely in a bad relationship. (There's some song about that, but I can't remember it right now.) Thanks for writing again. Don't feel you have to write because someone else might read this. Write for yourself when you feel like it! Take care!
ReplyDeleteTrudy's Mom